I’m struggling

I’m struggling, but not emotionally. I’m struggling to get my brain to function. This has been going on for a while.I can’t carry on a conversation like an intelligent human being. I can’t pay attention to much of anything. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I feel like it’s getting a little better, but extremely slowly.

I used to be able to write detailed and exciting things and now I can’t even think of the words to use for basic things. Like, the other day I couldn’t think of the word proposal and called it a pricing thing 🤦🏻

I don’t know how to fix this. It seems like way more than “mom brain”. I could accept it if it was just every now and then, but it’s constant and I feel like such a failure at life.

My boss wants me to go back to school, but there’s no way I can do that. My brain doesn’t work. I can’t really explain that to her without jeopardizing my job. I just make excuses at my reviews in hopes that she will quit bringing it up.

I can’t even make an intelligent Instagram post these days. I have no words. I just go blank on what to say. I try to avoid other parents when at things for my kids because I can’t talk like an educated person any more.

I’m so frustrated and upset. This isn’t me. How do I fix this?

Picture of my crazy kids, because at least I made cute small humans.

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Update June 6, 2019

Things are going great right now. Talulah had recital dress rehearsal yesterday. That was fun 🙄 really though, it wasn’t bad. I had to be social with other dance moms because it was a closed rehearsal. Thankfully she was able to leave after her dance was rehearsed. It was a 40 minute drive each way though. I have no idea why they are performing the recital so far from the dance studio. 🤷🏻

Work has been crazy, but what else is expected when you work in accounting at fiscal year end. I’ll survive. I should be used to it by now.

I’m getting back into doing reviews. I enjoy it, but I’m afraid it may start to feel like work again. I’m trying to be a but more selective this time around to avoid that.

You may see some reviews posted here, but most companies just want to use Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat.

I’m working on building my Instagram following to assist in getting more review and collaboration options, but I’m stuck at 1,000 followers right now. I was growing consistently up to 1,100 but now I’m losing just as many as I gain daily. I’m not sure what I need to change to get back on track. I need to reevaluate what I’m posting there. Maybe my photos just suck? M not sure.

We finally had family photos done since moving to Colorado and I’m loving them. I’m slowly posting them on Instagram in hopes of boosting my feed and followers. I don’t know if that’s going to work though. I was going to upload a few here as well, but my app refuses to upload. I’m sad, but check out my Instagram if you want to see them. Www.Instagram.com/altglam_mom there’s also a widget on the sidebar to take you there as well.

Update May 16, 2019

Things are better again. I switched my Maca for Gaia women’s hormone balance. I was a little worried because it contains St. John’s Wort, but I’m not manic so all is good. No more dissociation and I’m not overly tired at work. I do have to take it twice a day though or I get tired during the day. I’m ok with that, I just need to remember to take it in the morning.

See the picture above? That’s 7 day hair. I’m so excited about this. I’ve been working towards this for almost a year. I posted this picture and the fact that it was 7 day hair on Facebook and a friend asked me if I was doing the Jasmine Rae hair training… I didn’t even know that was a thing… I’m just lazy and didn’t want to have to fix my hair everyday. 😆 So apparently this is a trendy thing to do. Really though, I’m lazy. I wash on Saturday nights and air dry overnight then flat iron on Sunday. I use dry shampoo on day 4 and 7. I use the Batiste brown dry shampoo. I brush twice a day and I don’t do anything special with it while I sleep, other than using a silk pillowcase. This is also grown from my shaved pixie cut slightly over 2 years ago, natural color as well. I’m really trying to have super low maintenance hair.

My face on the other hand is doing something weird. I’m back to being a scaly beast. I’ve been exfoliating twice a week and of course I use serums, oils, and moisturizers. I’m not sure why it’s unhappy right now. I might have to take a break from makeup for a while, or at least from foundation. Leave any suggestions in the comments.

Update May 10, 2019

Things have been going well….until this week. I had to stop taking my Maca because it was making me gain weight. I highly suggest maca if you want to increase your breast size, I’m not interested in that though. It was working great to balance my hormones and energy levels, but I don’t want the weight gain.

I’m now on the hunt for an herb to replace it.

This week I’ve been struggling with dissociation. I can handle it at work, but when I’m driving or at home with my kids it’s a struggle. Overall, my mood has been petty good. I’m just not all here. I’m sure it doesn’t help that it’s been gloomy here with rain and snow. I need some sunshine and warm weather.

I’ve been drinking more coffee this week as well trying to get my energy levels up without the maca.

If you have any herb suggestions please leave me a comment.

So, happy mothers day to me. Please dear gods let me feel better this weekend.

Mental health update

I saw a new psych this morning. He doesn’t think that I have bipolar. 🤷‍♀️

He thinks I’m just susceptible to depression. He also thinks I’m med sensitive and if I become depressed again, he wants to do genetic testing before prescribing any medication.

He suggested some natural things to do to avoid the depression, most of which I’ve already been doing.

I’ve been med free for 4 months now and doing good, so here’s to hoping I don’t get depressed again.

If anyone can suggest a good cbt workbook or website I would appreciate it. He said he didn’t have a book to suggest, but would do some research and get back to me.

Stable

I saw my psych today. We talked about how I’ve been stable since coming off of the Latuda. She mentioned that I may not be bipolar. I’m not sure what to think about that. She also told me that she’s leaving the practice. She told me that I don’t need to cone back unless I want to. I’m still scared of the depression so I scheduled an appointment in April with another psych. I’ll have to do the whole new intake appointment again. She said if I’m still stable at that appointment that, that’s a good indicator that I don’t need medication. Hubby thinks I was just suffering from lingering post partum depression, but I feel like I had at least a few days of hypomania when I came out of that depression before I started medication. Maybe that was just my normal personality though. I’m a little confused at this point, but it would be nice not to be labeled bipolar.

Routines

I seem to be relying less on routines these days. I broke routine Wednesday to finish watching the Ted Bundy tapes with my hubby and moved bath time to Thursday night. Then today I broke from routine to go out to dinner with only a few hours notice.

I’ve been a creature of habit the last 2 years or so. I would have had a meltdown over both of these routine changes. I’m glad things are turning around. I feel like such a normal person now.